These last six months for me have just been a whole mess of emotions and thoughts and musings and wonderings and questions and seeking. My stress and anxiety have been through the ROOF. I’ve been asking a lot of questions lately.
“What does living a healthy life truly look like for ME?” – I’m trying to break the terrible habit of comparison, that bitch.
“What do I really believe, deep down in my heart and soul?” – Both De- and Re-Construction can wreak havoc on one’s spirit.
“Who am I?” – Surely I’m more than a stay at home mom and a full time housewife, right?
“What is/are my passion(s)?” – That answer used to be easy and concise – yoga. Now it’s a bit fuzzier.
“What do I want out of my life?” – What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino!
Any of you who’ve been in my life in some form or another have heard me talk about living a life of mindfulness. I believe so deeply in listening to my own body, my own soul, my own spirit; being watchful for cues and needs. When I was living that way, all the time, I was so much more at peace, even despite turmoil in my personal life, in the nation, in my relationships. I’ve lost sight of that. This is going to change.
Those closest to me know how hard I am on myself. It could even be argued that I enjoy punishing myself – mentally, emotionally, etc. I don’t enjoy it, by they way. I’ve just somehow gotten so confused along the way of my adult life that I feel like I deserve it. That’s a whole other saga for another time, but regardless, clearly not a healthy or enjoyable way to live, right?
I’m also a big list maker. And I’m always convinced that with each new list I write – each new plan I form, my life will be changed forever. I’ll lose weight and everything will be great again. I’ll find a creative outlet and everything will be great again. I’ll buy clothes and beauty products and essential oils and everything will be great again. Constantly exhausting myself by searching searching searching for the next thing I’m sure will heal all of my brokenness and make life peachy.
Today I had kind of a breaking point. One of those ugly cry sob-fests that builds and builds and builds until you just kind of implode. I had just finished a yoga practice focused around self care (you don’t say!) and I decided to meditate for a bit. I opened up my meditation app on my phone, sprawled into a wide legged child’s pose and sobbed for about ten minutes. Divine Love showed up there. I was ever so gently reminded of my value, of how my I am loved, and of how much more credit I need to give my own God given intuition.
It’s been…not an easy year so far. I’ve lost friendships that had appeared to be lifers. I’ve mourned over the discord in our nation. I’ve struggled with finances, with HAVING A TODDLER FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY, with my self esteem, with my marriage, with my dreams and hopes and faith and future.
But today. Today I was rescued. Today I was loved. Today I was rejuvenated (enough for a jumpstart at least) and given hope again. Today I remembered that my life, here and now, is only one small part. Nora being a two year old WILL NOT LAST FOREVER. And dammit, we will get that girl potty trained one day. My role as full time housewife and SAHM will not last forever. And all things considered, this is a time I want to be present for. So I resolved to enjoy this life. The here and now. I will get back to living and loving mindfully; to trusting my God given intuition; to appreciating the innocent pleasures and little joys that each day brings, even if I have to look really hard to find them; even if I have to create them myself.
I will appreciate my cool, crisp glass of Rosè on a warm summer evening. I will relish the sacred time spent on my yoga mat and in meditation. I will make time for own mental and physical health; I’ll take detox baths and continue dry brushing and I will reach out to those who have gone before me and created a soft place for me to land when I crash in a pile of doubt. I will soften my soul and make my heart tender. I will soak up each sweet exchange between my daughter and myself. I will love my husband well.
I will enjoy this life.