Thinking Out Loud

First of all, Happy December! I always love the start of a new month. A clean slate, a blank page. And December is such a hope filled month for me. I am reminded of the King who came down to the darkness and the despair and the dirt to rescue me. I am reminded of my salvation, of my smallness, of my great worth to Him.

My last few posts have been a bit heavy, what with life kind of beating the hell out of me this year. As I thought about what I would write today, I knew I wanted it to be a bit lighter, but I also know I’m still working through some hard things. It’s so easy to feel isolated in the midst of grief or depression or anxiety. I am hoping and praying for some relief soon.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I feel a lack of a sense of purpose in my life. Most days are spent looking after Nora, never even leaving the apartment. It’s hard being the new kid in town, not knowing anyone. I miss my friends terribly, but am so grateful to know they are just a text away. Honestly, I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what I am to do. I have a book in my heart, somewhere in there. But is that where I’ll find purpose? I am continuing to grow in my yoga practice and still desire to become certified. But is that where I’ll find purpose? I’m a mom. And despite what I thought for years…that’s not where I’ve found purpose. At least not a completely fulfilling purpose. Is that okay to say? Is that awful to say? It’s true either way.

I know that on one hand, we make ourselves purposed. Each day we are presented with the decision to make or waste the day ahead. But on the other hand, I know there is more. I know it. I feel it. I carry it. I just haven’t the slightest clue what it could be! Mostly that’s just frustrating and worrisome. What will life look like in five years? Will I be free from this cloud of anxiety and depression? Will I be healthier? Will I know myself and God more? Will Shawn and I have grown closer or further apart? Where will we be living? Where will Nora be in school? Will we be out of debt? (God, I hope so.)

I hope with all my heart that my marriage is stronger, that I am healthier, that I know myself better, that I’m nearer to the Heart of God. I just feel so lost sometimes. This post isn’t really turning out to be quite as light as I’d intended…my bad. I’m mostly just thinking out loud here. I don’t really have anything wise or enlightened to share today. But it helps to get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper…or screen rather. Maybe some of you out there are feeling the same feels and this will help to ease some isolation on both our parts. I’m so ready not to feel this way anymore, you know? I know that life is hard and I’ll have rough seasons throughout my life. I guess I’m just ready to breathe again.

Anyways, here’s hoping your December is filled with light and love and wonderful things. Here’s hoping your hearts are filled with joy and hope. Here’s hoping.

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One thought on “Thinking Out Loud

  1. mcwilliamsfamily says:

    Hello, my name is Billie and I am a mom to five children. I just stumbled across your blog. This is the first post I have read and boy did it feel I was writing it. I lost my dad in August and my little boy was born one week later. I have a rollercoaster of emotions. Deeply depressed. I hope things get better for you soon. I plan to read more of your blog.

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