Life Starts Over

Happy Fall everyone!

IMG_7124Oh sure, I know the first day of fall was actually weeks ago, but the weather just got the memo and is finally starting to catch up! The air is cool and crisp, and the leaves are flying off the trees in a colorful frenzy. This is my time. This is my season. F. Scott Fitzgerald said that life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall. Truer words have never been spoken.

Things got bad, you guys. Things got real bad. I found myself drowning in this pit of despair and depression and hopelessness. I hated myself, I hated my life. I didn’t want it anymore. I was sloughing Nora off onto Shawn each weekend and completely withdrawing myself. I was angry and moody and sad. Shawn and I were talking about separating. I seriously considered leaving my family and my life. I was so done. I was so exhausted. I was so ready to give it all up. And then suddenly, something changed.
treeI can’t say for sure, but I’m almost certain my little family was being fought for. Not by me! Heavens. Seriously, you could’ve stuck a fork in me. I think the Holy Spirit must’ve been awfully busy that nearly fateful night. Suddenly, I was listening to my husband. I quieted the darkness in my head and in my heart and I began to hear what he was actually saying. “I love you.” “Please trust me.” “Let me be strong for you.” “I don’t want you to go.”

I stopped barreling over his vulnerability with my justified frustration. (Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Having a baby is hard. Moving to a new place is hard.) Truly, I don’t know how it happened. It was like something took over my thoughts. Like a dementor, but the complete opposite. So okay, my Patronus charm showed up. Anyways, I’m beginning to ramble. Let me reign this in.

I saw my completely broken and vulnerable husband sitting across from me with the fate of my marriage and my family sitting in my shaking hands. I saw the pain in his eyes and I felt it in mine. And in that moment, a decision in my soul was made. A decision to be vulnerable again. A decision to be considerate, loving, and kind. We went to bed that night still weary from the hours of tears and talk and pounding headaches.

But the next morning, I woke up with something stirring in me that I nearly didn’t recognize. A sense of renewed hope. I felt the cool autumn air floating through our windows and the warm and enveloping love of the Almighty. My Saviour was rescuing me, my family, my marriage. He sent me the autumn breezes that heal my soul. He showed me unfailing love and unwavering forgiveness through Shawn. He reminded me through Nora of the joy that was to come and usher out the deep grief I’d been housing  for so long. 

After months and weeks of feeling like it was completely over, my life began again last Saturday morning. My friends stood up and offered encouragement and prayer. Our little family came together in adventure and romance and grace and peace. We went for drives and explored our beautiful new city. We watched movies and ate good food. We go on evening walks together.

I’ve made it a priority to take better care of myself mentally, spiritually and physically. I get up before the sun every day to exercise and breathe in the new day. I listen to Shawn when he talks with me and I consider his feelings and needs. I actually enjoy Nora and we have so much more fun together now. I’m still exhausted, yes, but it’s the good kind. You know the kind I mean; it’s almost exhilarating.

fallThings feel new and hopeful once again. God cares about us. Truly. He cares about even the smallest of things that carry so much weight and mean so much to us. This is why He uses the crisp Fall air to renew my heart. This is why He uses the colors of the leaves to restore my soul.

My life is starting all over again.

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