I tend to get really hung up on what I think the content of my writing should be, rather than the heart behind it. I don’t write for months at a time because I’m afraid you dear readers will get bored if I don’t have something fresh and exciting to share, or severely depressed if I’m going through a deeply troubling season and it’s all I can talk about for several weeks. This has really been bothering me, because I’ve gotten myself into a rut this way.
I’ve felt sad and anxious and lonely and purposeless for several weeks now. Part of that is simply due to this transition we’re going through with the move and whatnot. But part of it is because I let my passion fade. I let the fire die. I holed up on the couch with my shows and my tears and I hid away.
I told (blubbered to) Shawn just yesterday about all of these Feelings and how I felt lost and adrift. I also told him how I was struggling with not feeling like enough; as a mother, as a spouse, and as a Christian. That last part tasted so bitter coming out of my mouth because I do not believe at all that an hour of prayer each morning or reading chapter upon chapter of the Bible daily or studying a devotional makes you a “good Christian”. In fact, I’m personally not even a fan of the term Christian. But that’s another topic for another time. Back to my point: I’d let my passions fade, and that included my passion for Jesus.
As most of you know, Shawn and I have had our perspectives and worldview shifted in a major way over these past few years. We broke out of the conservative, rule cleaving, legalistic boxes we’d folded ourselves into and our eyes were open to the broken world around us. We became not only aware of the pain and suffering, but passionate about doing our part to heal and ease and make a difference in whatever ways we could. We want to help solve the water crisis, so we partner with charity:water. We want to be more socially and economically responsible, so we do our best to support local businesses and companies that put our money to good use. We are pursuing a life of less stuff and more people, so we began minimizing. We ultimately realized that what we simply needed was to abide in love.
But we also learned that not all of life is black and white, most of it resides in the gray areas. I desperately tried to reconcile what I was raised on with what I had come to learn and felt was true and good and holy. This brought up a whirlwind of questions and confusion and a desperate search for clarity. I found myself so overwhelmed that I got quiet and pulled back from Jesus. Not because I stopped believing, although there have been times when all I can say is what. the. fuck., but because fear and doubt began to consume my heart and soul and all I wanted was to hide away from it all. Enter the couch. (this really does all tie in together, promise)
One of the most wonderful things about Jesus is that He is constant. Through all of my confusion and tears and couch hiding, He loved me. He welcomed my Feelings. He stood firm, unwavering, and caught me each time I fell. This Love is what heals. This Love is what brings clarity. This Love is what reignites passion and dreams and hope.
I resolved that today would be the start of something new; a renewed sense of passion and purpose. Not because it’s Monday and not because it’s a new week, but simply because it’s today and because of Him, I can. So, I woke up early this morning and practiced yoga. Today I’m writing. Today I will seek inspiration from women that I admire. Today I will start reading a new book. Today I will be more present with my daughter. Today I will take care to put good food in my body. Today I will abide in Love.