Him>Me.

So, this afternoon I began reading 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker. Not even two full paragraphs into the acknowledgements and the tears are a-flowin’. It felt like the Holy Spirit ran my heart through with a broad sword.

“I haven’t even gotten to the part about excess and already God is screwing with me. Oh, good grief.” I was nervous.7

I read the words Jen wrote about her support system, about her die-hard friends whom she loves so unconditionally and that’s when I felt that undeniable tension. You know the kind I mean? When God is all “Eyes on me! Eyes on me!” like an elementary teacher desperate to get the attention of unruly students, and I think it’s okay to pay attention to the fly on the wall instead because I make straight A’s, or some such garbage.

I am truly blessed with some wonderful friends. I love these women with all that my heart can carry, and yet, I have found that I have the nastiest habit of harshly judging my dearest friends out of pure hubris. I don’t know that I would necessarily call myself a “know it all” (although some might, I really can’t say) so much as I would say I am definitely a “know it better”. Let me show you how I would do it. Let me show you what I would say. Obviously I have all the right answers to all the right questions. It’s gross, really.

I can’t say for sure when or where I picked up this unfortunate little habit, although I have a few theories. ::cough, my dad, cough::

john330Just teasing…I’m sure some of it also comes from being a first-born, and some from self-preservation.

The truth is, we are all swarmed with glaring flaws. That doesn’t mean we can see them. And by we, I do mean I. I so desperately desire for the Lord to break this one in my heart. As I reflect upon those whom I have shoveled my unsolicited opinions and self-serving “advice”onto (is that grammatically correct? I’m having trouble structuring that thought), I realize the roadblocks that have surfaced in those relationships due to my pride. I am so terribly sorry for this.

I earnestly pray that God would forgive me of this, but also that He might expand my heart in the process of breaking through my pride. I want to love the whole world, deeply, truly, and purely. This isn’t something that can be done of my own will or strength.

I need You, God. So much of You. Take away all of my garbage and junk, clean me up and clean me out. Let my pursuit of You begin with the loving pursuit of Your people. Forgive me.

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