I have been feeling somewhat strange the last couple of days. I have been noticeably exhausted, more so than usual, a little anxious and unfocused. I have been consumed with an overwhelming sense of ennui. I just haven’t been myself.
I have been eating and exercising regularly, drinking plenty of water, getting enough rest and spending time with my husband. I have kept up with my daily Bible reading. Nothing about my typical routine has changed, so it seems.
However, today, I was in the shower after my morning run (the shower is actually where I spend a lot of time in prayer; no distractions, plenty of privacy, you get the picture) and when I tried to talk to God, I couldn’t find the words. Literally nothing was coming out of my mouth. I just stood there, baffled. I knew what I wanted to pray about in my heart. I knew who I wanted to pray for. Still, nothing. I expressed my frustration to the Lord with a shoulder shrug and a verbal and clearly annoyed “Well, I don’t know!”.
I’ve had a knot in my belly since that moment this morning. It sincerely bothered me to have some sort of physical issue expressing spiritual needs.
If I may be a touch transparent, I will let you know that things with my family have been…strained, as of late. The family I once knew when I was young no longer exists. The moments and hopes I once held in my heart for my family have been dismissed. And as much as I don’t enjoy admitting that the situation disturbs me deeply, it’s the truth. It’s all so topsy turvy. It’s all so backwards.
It dawned on me just today that I have been finding solace in many things lately. I won’t divulge details, but I will tell you most of those comforts have been harmless. However, they are so very temporal. I have been hiding my heart behind these little pleasures that truly only provide relief or encouragement for a few stolen moments. And even the encouragement they offer proves to be hollow.
My heart knows what it so desperately needs. Let me rephrase that. My heart knows Who it so desperately needs. I have exhausted myself to bury those hurts so deep inside that I couldn’t even find the strength to pray. I have disconnected myself from Healing. I have disconnected myself from Truth. I have disconnected myself from Love.
As I write this, as I express these naked thoughts and feelings, I remember that I am always the one to break off and pull away. It is never Him. That Love is unconditional. I built the wall that I feel holding me back. Brick by brick, stone by stone, I erected the fortress around my soul that has only kept me broken. I am so very thankful for Grace today. I am thankful for Comfort during sorrow, Clarity to replace confusion, and Peace in the midst of tormenting thoughts.
I am thankful for the Architect of my soul who knows how to put me back together when I am broken and disconnected.