Let me first start off by saying that I love my husband. SO MUCH. He is without a doubt the most special, wonderful, amazing man I have ever known. We have only been married a short seven months as of last Tuesday (although it feels much longer, in the best way), and I am already amazed at how much our love for each other has developed. I can’t even comprehend how it will be when we’ve been married five, ten, twenty or fifty years! I get butterflies just thinking about it. I think the most wonderful part about being married to Shawn isn’t all the fun memories and exciting adventures we experience together, but the loss and pain we work through together. We have bonded in an intensely incredible way because of the rocky things we have trudged through as a team. Our hearts are knitted together in the most intimate way. He is the very best friend I have ever known. Be still my heart!
Shawn and I like to take walks on a regular basis, although this will probably cease until the fall due to the hellacious heat Oklahoma is providing us with this summer. These walks allow us to rid ourselves of distractions of all kinds, from the tv to our cat who can’t decide if she’s a dog, a bear, or a mix of both. Our walks are a special time we set aside to just appreciate each other’s company, and to talk about whatever is on our hearts.
I have learned more about my husband in these last seven months of being married to him than I ever did during the two plus years that we dated beforehand, and I attribute a lot of that to our walks. The other night we were walking and Shawn just began pouring out this revelation the Lord had filled his heart with about marriage. About our marriage and how it’s the purest representation of God’s love that he has ever known. About how he is utterly stupified (Is that a word? I’m making it one.) at the depth of his love for me. I cried. Of course I cried. Buckets. But not just because of the magic of the moment or the sweetness of my husband’s words. I was so moved by the expression of Shawn’s heart, and by the love of the Lord we both felt so strongly in that moment.
Ever since that walk, not only have I been swooning excessively over my dearest, but I have noticed my heart’s pull towards the heart of God more so than I have felt in a long while. I have been absolutely craving a new revelation about the depth of the Lord’s love for me, and I am so pleased that the Lord decided to use my darling husband to begin that revelation. I still have so much deeper to go into this revelation and this word from the Lord over my marriage and my personal walk with Him. It is so blessed to know He seeks my heart so recklessly and so fervently. I find it unnervingly easy to get caught up in the legality of it all. Far too often the concept of grace flies right out of my head. I forget that above all, God wants me. Just me. Just my broken, unsteady, unpredictable, unreliable heart.
I‘ll be perfectly honest, growing up in the church, it has always made me slightly uncomfortable (and slightly nauseous) to hear people compare God to a lover. Ew. He is my King! Abba Father. NOT lover. But, the more I have been pondering all these things this week, and especially this afternoon, it’s occurred to me that I can see the validity in that comparison, minus the creepy overhang. My husband is my lover (yes, I said it) and the depth and intensity of his love for me and desire for my heart is completely pure and unmatched by any other. THAT is how it is with God! You’d think after twenty five years of walking with Him, that would have dawned on me before now. Then again, I have never experienced the joy of marriage before. That, and I have the propensity to have a very thick skull. But I don’t really care. I’m so amazed by God and His creative methods of communication with us. I’m so thankful that He pursues me (us) with such unrelenting passion, that He longs just to steady my heart.
–I am my beloved’s, and this desire is toward me.–
Song of Songs 7:10