Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act. — Psalm 37:5
Well, it has been quite the eventful week! Life happened in a major way this past week and I am completely overwhelmed…in the BEST way. My husband was in Indianapolis the week before last for work, and the whole time he was gone I just kept feeling more and more like my time at my current job was quickly coming to an end. He was in agreement for the most part, especially considering my job had been my greatest source of stress in my (our) life (lives) for quite some time. Aside from that, my desire to pursue other passions was rapidly growing as well. Passions I was unable to even consider while still employed. We decided we would discuss it more when he returned home from his trip.
Shawn got home late on that Thursday night. I gave notice that Saturday. Talk about a quick turn around! We sat down to talk and both felt very strongly that the grace had been lifted for my relationship with that particular company and that it was time to leave. What exactly was to happen after that was still quite the mystery.
Let me tell you right now that this girl is a MAJOR planner. ::salutes:: “Major planner!” Okay, enough with the TV references. Seriously, I prefer to live my life on a five year plan, down to each meal each night of the week. I am comfortable with a very detailed, very structured plan and outline for my life and I am quite good at it. Well, as most of us who walk closely with the Lord know, His plan doesn’t always match ours. In fact, I’m convinced one of God’s favorite things to do is let us think we have it all figured out and then shake the crap out of our perfect little plans. And let’s face it, His are always way more stellar than ours. Needless to say for the week following my resignation (this past week), I was a hot mess. I was distracted with thoughts of doubt and pangs of worry. I put off telling my dad about our decision because I was afraid of being scolded. (I now realize that was completely ridiculous and my dad is 100% supportive of our decision.)
I pushed the Lord away. I didn’t want to discuss my doubts with Him for the same reason I was afraid of telling my earthly father. I didn’t want to be told I was being irrational, or nonsensical. I was insecure and so stressed out to the point of chest pains returning that I hadn’t had in nearly a year. I’d been waiting several days to hear back on a part time job I was fully convinced was the perfect thing to supplement my husband’s and my income during this transition. I found out this past Thursday night that I did not, in fact, get that “perfect” job. I was devastated…for about five minutes. Suddenly the Lord broke down that stubborn wall I’d been building in my heart all week and a wave of the most complete peace I have ever experienced rushed over me. It was so clear at that point that once again, I’d been trying to force my plan into the picture. But you guys, the moment I finally surrendered was so sweet, and so incredible. My chest pains have ceased. I’ve slept better the past three nights than I have in a year. I am completely excited and giddy about what’s up ahead, all the while knowing that I know nothing about what’s up ahead.
To clear things up a bit, I will now be using this time to pursue my passions of culinary arts and benevolent ministries. I will continue on my self taught baking course this year, with a goal to be selling my product by the end of the year! I have a name for my business already lined up and my darling husband is helping me put together a logo. This is most literally my heart’s quiet, precious dreams coming true before my eyes and my heart overflows with joy from it. The Lord has been so faithful to provide for us financially during this transition, and has opened the door to some occasional part time work that flows with my schedule to supplement my husband’s income. You must understand, I am no risk taker. Never in my life have I experienced a blind leap of this magnitude. And yet, I am wholly filled with sweet, sweet peace.
Shawn tells me all the time that you can’t drive a parked car. It’s so true! God sometimes needs us to close our eyes, trust Him completely, and just jump. I was experimenting with a chocolate chip cookie recipe this afternoon, just stirring up some dough and suddenly found myself weeping uncontrollably, right there in the kitchen with my ruffled heart apron on. I felt God so near to me and thought about how utterly joyful and blessed I was to be able to be doing what I love. I know my mom would be tickled pink if she were here. She’d probably partner in my baking business with me as a matter of fact!
I’m so excited about this next season of my life and of mine and Shawn’s marriage. We’re taking baby steps right now, but God is so big, you know? As big as our plans and dreams are for our lives, His are always grander. Always.