I spent most of my life living/believing whole heartedly that everything existed in black and white. I don’t mean like at the beginning of The Wizard of Oz before Dorothy begins to see all of the color and depth that the world has to offer.

Actually, maybe that’s the perfect metaphor for what I want to share here today.

As I was saying, I lived most of my life believing that everything was black and white. I functioned on the hard line and had very little concept of balance or grace. My “standards” were unflinchingly rigid and I knew no other way.

Let’s fast forward to my mid-late twenties and the journey of my spiritual deconstruction. In the midst of un-learning everything I’d been taught for most of my life, I began to notice the color and depth of the world, much like Dorothy in that iconic scene. I learned the most liberating, wonderful word; and.

This word, and, taught me about grace. It taught me about flexibility and forgiveness, mostly for myself! And thankfully for the people in my life, especially the ones who knew me when I existed in that bleak black and white universe. This word brought so much freedom to my soul. It helped me discover all of these unique facets to my own self that I’d never realized before.

I can equally treasure both songs La Vie En Rose by Édith Piaf and Business Time by Flight of the Conchords.

I can consider both Casablanca and Forgetting Sarah Marshall to be two of my favorite movies.

I can practice yoga every damn day and eat cheeseburgers and drink craft beer.

You see? Both. And.

The world is not all or nothing and neither am I, as an individual. But this freedom didn’t stop at my personality traits as I was learning this beautiful thing called balance.

And showed me so much more. More about people, about love, about God, about the whole world.

As someone who still has to occasionally shake off the guilt that living in a black and white world can cause, I understand the struggle to live in balance. I understand the feeling that we have to be 100% passionate about only huge, serious issues in our world and leave behind what’s  “frivolous”. But it doesn’t have to be that way! Love offers us so much more freedom than we’d let ourselves believe. We get to live with and! A few examples:

I can be equally as excited about helping end the world water crisis and watching the season premiere of How to Get Away with Murder.

I can spend my day marching with the LGBTQ community and spend my evening shopping like a mad woman for a new flat iron.

I can write to my Representatives about gun control and immigration policies and scour the internet trying to figure out how Joy Williams got such great abs.

I can write a blog post about God and include a delicious pumpkin soup recipe.

You see again?

Now onto probably the greatest and simplest revelation that this word brought into my heart, laying waste to every restrictive belief I’d carried around for so long; God.

God is.

God is male and female.

God is mighty and gentle.

God is spirit and human.

God is.

Do you know what and taught me about God?

God is simple, uncomplicated. There are no pre-requisites for Divine Love. No requirements, no duties, no performances, no political affiliations, no lifestyle choices necessary to be in Divine Love. It’s wide open and sees nothing but our fragile hearts. It embraces us with no second thoughts or hesitation. Divine Love isn’t all or nothing. It’s just all.

Isn’t this such a relief? We don’t have to be all or nothing! The world doesn’t function (at least not well) in black and white, lacking in grace and forgiveness! No, the world thrives in love and color and depth and redemption. This is such good news.

So I’d urge you to allow yourself to drown in grace, and once you’ve filled your own being with it, let it overflow to every single person you come in contact with. You’d be amazed at how much more good we can do when we learn and.

Now for a delicious pumpkin soup recipe.

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*A Note: This recipe is totally thrown together haphazardly. Most of the measurements are in “ish”. Feel free to make any changes you like that sound good when you make the soup yourself! I hope you enjoy!

Creamy Roasted Pumpkin Soup:


  • two acorn squash
  • two sugar pumpkins
  • two red bell peppers
  • 1 T. (ish) minced garlic
  • one red onion
  • 1/2 (ish) package of bacon, cooked
  • 1/2 c. (ish) heavy cream
  • shaved parmesan cheese
  • chopped green onions
  • 1 c. (ish) chicken stock
  • salt and pepper


  • Cut the pumpkins and squash into smallish pieces, remove seeds and roast in the oven at 400 degrees for about 45 minutes. I like to spray the baking sheets AND the gourds with olive oil spray before roasting. Once finished, let them cool until you can handle them without burning yourself.
  • Roast the bell peppers, onion, and minced garlic in the oven at 400 degrees for about 25 minutes.
  • Once cooled, scrape the pumpkin and squash from their skins and place in a large blender. Add the chicken stock and the heavy cream and blend.
  • Next, add the bell pepper, onion and minced garlic to the blender. Blend with the pumpkin mix until smooth and creamy. Add more chicken stock and/or heavy cream as/if needed.
  • Add the cooked bacon and blend until creamy. Sometimes I like to add a tiny bit of the bacon grease to the mix. Mmm.
  • Now is when I pour the soup mixture into a large pot and let it simmer a bit. Add salt and pepper to taste. Feel free to add some other fun herbs and spices to mix things up. I bet thyme and/or nutmeg would be so yummy in this soup!
  • Once the soup is thoroughly mixed and heated, serve and top with chopped green onions, parmesan cheese and even some crumbled bacon! I like to serve this dish with garlic butter and parmesan sourdough toast. It’s absolutely perfect for a chilly fall evening! Enjoy!




Lasagna and Sunday Mornings

A short preface:

These musings are in no way meant to be any sort of criticism towards anyone who attends a church gathering on Sunday mornings. Please don’t let the content or ideas shared here turn you off to the thoughts I’m trying to express. This post is meant to be one of encouragement and acceptance. Also, a kick ass lasagna recipe.

When I use social media, my time is solely spent on Instagram. I love Instagram! I love scrolling through a sea of lovely photos and reading beautiful words and thoughts shared by the people I follow. I love Instagram Stories! I love getting a peek into the lives of people I admire, or a look into a whole other world that reminds me how big this place is and how much more I have to learn about it.

Sunday Mornings on Instagram are an entity all their own. Sunday Mornings on Instagram, more often than not, mean that my feed is overflowing with photos and Stories of stages and lights and skinny pants and microphones and ankle boots. Snippets of worship services and church gatherings make their way to the spotlight on Sunday Mornings on Instagram.

Recently, I was asked if I’d “found a home church yet?”. I politely responded that I wasn’t looking for one. My response was met with concern for my daughter’s spiritual growth and Shawn’s and my (perceived) lack of community.

I have no qualms with church goers, none whatsoever. If going to your place of worship on Sunday Mornings and sharing it with your Instagram world brings you some joy, then please, by all means.

As most of you know, I grew up going to church on Sunday Mornings. I learned a lot. And then I stopped going to church on Sunday Mornings. I learned a lot.

I did a little research (I’m such a research nerd) before putting words to the page today. I learned that the word church originates from the Greek word kuriakos. The word kuriakos literally means “belonging to the Lord”. I think that is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. Because all of us, all of us on this glorious planet, belong to God. We belong to the Divine.

What do my Sunday Mornings look like now? Sometimes they look like an early trip to Target by myself with time to clear my head. Sometimes they look like brunch with my husband and daughter at our favorite diner. Sometimes they look like redecorating my kitchen.

What does our church look like now? Our community? Kuriakos. It looks like inviting new people over to our home and sitting down at our table and sharing a meal with them; learning about their hopes and dreams and beliefs and fears. It looks like taking the opportunity to get to know someone’s story and bridge gaps.

What is my daughter learning if she isn’t in Sunday School? She’s learning to consider others before herself. She’s learning that everyone’s story matters. She’s learning generosity, creativity, acceptance, justice, and what a good whiskey looks like.

She’s learning that whatever one’s faith is, wherever one chooses to worship, if one doesn’t have a faith, if one doesn’t choose to worship, if one is black, white, rich, poor, conservative, liberal, straight, gay, foreign, old, young, male, female, athiest, jewish, muslim, white collar, blue collar, transgender, different from us or the same as us, we are all kuriakos.

We all belong to Love.

So whatever your Sunday Mornings look like, may you always know that you belong to Love.

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In the spirit of community and making the table longer rather than building the wall higher, I wanted to share my beloved lasagna recipe with you. I’m actually making this dish for some new friends that we are having over this week and I’m so excited to share it.

Traditional (Delicious) Lasagna:


  • 32 oz. whole milk ricotta cheese
  • 3 cups shredded mozzarella cheese
  • 3 cups shredded cheddar cheese
  • 3 eggs
  • 1 lb ground beef or ground turkey
  • 48 oz (ish) pasta sauce of your choice
  • 12 cooked lasagna noodles
  • dried sage (eyeball it)
  • salt and pepper
  • shaved or shredded parmesan cheese


  • Brown the ground beef and season it with s&p and dried sage to taste. Combine the meat with sauce in a large mixing bowl and set aside.
  • In another large mixing bowl, combine the ricotta, mozzarella and cheddar cheeses with the eggs until well blended.
  • In a 9×13 dish, layer three cooked lasagna noodles. Spread with 1/3 of the cheese mixture and top with 1/3 of the meat sauce. Repeat until all noodles are used. The very top layer should be meat sauce.
  • Cover the lasagna loosely with aluminum foil and bake at 400 degrees for 50 minutes. The last 5 minutes of cooking, remove the lasagna from the oven and  sprinkle the top layer of the lasagna with the shaved parmesan cheese. Put the lasagna back in the oven and continue baking until the cheese is melted and golden brown. *Note: Feel free to be very generous with your cheese! Add some extra mozzarella to the top, maybe sprinkle with a little extra sage or oregano.
  • Let the lasagna cool until you can cut into it without making your kitchen look like a murder scene. Serve and enjoy.
lasagna one

photo courtesy of

Summer 2017

This has been a supremely weird summer for me. I’ve been laid up since the beginning of July with the flu and other very odd, very scary maladies (I’m fine) and have spent the last two full weeks just trying to catch my breath and let my body recover. I was finally able to resurrect my yoga practice this past week after months of hiatus due to some deep soul wounds that resulted from the dissolution of some dear relationships that just so happened to have a mutual love for yoga woven into their fabric.

I’ve learned a lot about relationships this year/summer; ways to end them, ways to salvage them, how to give grace, how to see from another’s perspective, how to listen, how to speak up. I’ve learned that nothing is formulaic when it comes to loving people, because each person and relationship needs to be nourished differently. I have learned the importance of mindfulness and of keeping my mind open and to consider the perspective of another. I have learned that it is equally important to draw a hard line when it comes to abuse, right and wrong, using my voice, and nazis.

I just yesterday finished reading of Mess and Moxie by Jen Hatmaker. It is easily my favorite book of hers since InterruptedI was encouraged in and laughed my way through pretty much every aspect of myself that I struggle with on an hourly basis. Motherhood, womanhood, loving God, loving Jesus, church, standing firm in my sacred and holy convictions, food, wine, my boobs, exercise and friendships. Read it, you’ll love it.

I’ve spent this summer deeply nourishing my relationship with Netflix and all the gems it had to offer, including Ozark, GLOW, and Wet Hot American Summer: Ten Years Later. My tastes are varied and impeccable. (I also watched one and a half seasons of Jane the Virgin but for the love of sex, I have run out of patience for that show and its 18 hours of footage per season) I have experimented with new recipes (grilled chicken enchiladas with masa sour cream sauce, lavender nutmeg rolls with cream cheese glaze) and spent more time in my kitchen, which always does well for my creative soul. Plus, there’s wine there.

I still have not successfully potty trained Nora. My two and a half year old has bested me. Her go-stinky-on-the-toilet treats of chocolate covered almonds belong to me now. Some days we spend exploring the depths of our creative souls with watercolor paints, crayons and chalk drawings, learning colors and writing the alphabet and counting to twenty. Other days she’s on the line with Sesame Street for four hours so I can drink my ever loving one cup of coffee re-heated seventeen times and read my books (scroll Instagram).

I DID get myself completely off of my anti depressants this summer, which was a huge deal for me. Let me please say that I am and always will be 100% in favor of medication because when it works, it is literally a lifesaver. It just wasn’t working for me, and quitting was the right choice for me. I did quit cold turkey, which I feel obligated to tell you is almost never recommended and most doctors will tell you to slowly wean. Well, I know my body pretty well and weaning wasn’t going to cut it. I got really lucky and experienced virtually no withdrawal symptoms. (Woo-hoo!) I still take medication for anxiety and I’m good with that. I take a lot of natural supplements and I drink ACV every morning, so I’m feeling pretty well balanced in that area.

Again I say, this has been one of the weirder summers I can remember in the last several years of my adulthood. Not the best, not the worst. All in all, just weird. I’m grateful for the lessons learned and the wounds mended, for the friends who text daily and the ones who call yearly. I’m grateful for the home date nights and and the family outings. But I’ll never be sad to say goodbye to a summer.

Fall, I’ve been waiting a whole year for your sweet return. COME TO MAMA.





Enjoy this Life

These last six months for me have just been a whole mess of emotions and thoughts and musings and wonderings and questions and seeking. My stress and anxiety have been through the ROOF. I’ve been asking a lot of questions lately.


enjoy“What does living a healthy life truly look like for ME?” – I’m trying to break the terrible habit of comparison, that bitch.

“What do I really believe, deep down in my heart and soul?” – Both De- and Re-Construction can wreak havoc on one’s spirit.

“Who am I?” – Surely I’m more than a stay at home mom and a full time housewife, right?

“What is/are my passion(s)?” – That answer used to be easy and concise – yoga. Now it’s a bit fuzzier.

“What do I want out of my life?” – What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino!

Any of you who’ve been in my life in some form or another have heard me talk about living a life of mindfulness. I believe so deeply in listening to my own body, my own soul, my own spirit; being watchful for cues and needs. When I was living that way, all the time, I was so much more at peace, even despite turmoil in my personal life, in the nation, in my relationships. I’ve lost sight of that. This is going to change.

Those closest to me know how hard I am on myself. It could even be argued that I enjoy punishing myself – mentally, emotionally, etc. I don’t enjoy it, by they way. I’ve just somehow gotten so confused along the way of my adult life that I feel like I deserve it. That’s a whole other saga for another time, but regardless, clearly not a healthy or enjoyable way to live, right?

I’m also a big list maker. And I’m always convinced that with each new list I write – each new plan I form, my life will be changed forever. I’ll lose weight and everything will be great again. I’ll find a creative outlet and everything will be great again. I’ll buy clothes and beauty products and essential oils and everything will be great again. Constantly exhausting myself by searching searching searching for the next thing I’m sure will heal all of my brokenness and make life peachy.

Today I had kind of a breaking point. One of those ugly cry sob-fests that builds and builds and builds until you just kind of implode. I had just finished a yoga practice focused around self care (you don’t say!) and I decided to meditate for a bit. I opened up my meditation app on my phone, sprawled into a wide legged child’s pose and sobbed for about ten minutes. Divine Love showed up there. I was ever so gently reminded of my value, of how my I am loved, and of how much more credit I need to give my own God given intuition.

wineIt’s been…not an easy year so far. I’ve lost friendships that had appeared to be lifers. I’ve mourned over the discord in our nation. I’ve struggled with finances, with HAVING A TODDLER FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY, with my self esteem, with my marriage, with my dreams and hopes and faith and future.

But today. Today I was rescued. Today I was loved. Today I was rejuvenated (enough for a jumpstart at least) and given hope again. Today I remembered that my life, here and now, is only one small part. Nora being a two year old WILL NOT LAST FOREVER. And dammit, we will get that girl potty trained one day. My role as full time housewife and SAHM will not last forever. And all things considered, this is a time I want to be present for. So I resolved to enjoy this life. The here and now. I will get back to living and loving mindfully; to trusting my God given intuition; to appreciating the innocent pleasures and little joys that each day brings, even if I have to look really hard to find them; even if I have to create them myself.

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I will appreciate my cool, crisp glass of Rosè on a warm summer evening. I will relish the sacred time spent on my yoga mat and in meditation. I will make time for own mental and physical health; I’ll take detox baths and continue dry brushing and I will reach out to those who have gone before me and created a soft place for me to land when I crash in a pile of doubt. I will soften my soul and make my heart tender. I will soak up each sweet exchange between my daughter and myself. I will love my husband well.

I will enjoy this life.

I Have Something to Say

A quick note before I get started:
I am in the slow process of bringing my personal blog back to life, which includes transferring all of my old posts to this site, as well as slowly editing the page to get the look I want. I appreciate your patience as all of these changes occur.
So, hello! It’s been a while.
Someone recently queried as to why I wasn’t writing anymore. I told them simply that I didn’t have anything to say. I supposed that’s changed now. I love writing (when there’s no deadline). Those of you who’ve followed along with me throughout the years know how much I love words. I’ve missed this.
Those of you who’ve followed along with me throughout the years have also seen me create and destroy this blog a handful of times. Over the past several months, I had lots to say and I said it loudly. It’s been a very tumultuous season for our nation and I felt compelled to speak up and out about a myriad of issues. While I stand firmly by my own beliefs, it was around the beginning of April or so that I felt compelled to quiet down a bit. I took a short break from Instagram (the only social media I will be a part of) and I got quiet. I meditated, I mulled, I considered, I talked with my sister and husband, I even prayed some.
I had a really tough day (okay like six weeks but we’ll start with this particular day) earlier this week, and I’d had a little wine and teensy emotional breakdown and decided to spill my guts all over Instagram. I wrote about the stress I was under, impending decisions that were making me anxious, my insecurities about my body, and then I took a wide turn and began spewing words of disdain towards the western evangelical church and the Bible and on and on. The next day I re-read what I’d written and took the post down immediately. You see sometimes I get it in my head that if I don’t yell, I won’t be heard. But the thing is, when you (I) start yelling, people stop listening. All anyone wants is to be understood, right?
Balance is not one of my strong suits. It’s this elusive thing I have been furiously chasing for most of my life and never quite landing there, at least not for long. I am naturally an extremist and I DO NOT LIKE THIS about myself. I swing so far to opposite ends of the pendulum that I make myself sick and dizzy. I want balance. I need balance. I (we) was (were) made for a balanced life. Balance is good and it’s healthy. Balance helps me love others better. Balance helps me to be a better friend, a better wife, a better mom, a better person. Balance helps keep me sane. And yet I have so much trouble getting myself to that place.
I have a friend who is heavily involved in her church. When I say heavily involved, I mean she and her husband are the lead pastors. She recently asked me basically why she and I had a good relationship (although she was glad for it!) when she felt she represented an institution that I have so much tension with. I answered her as thoughtfully as I could in the moment, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what she said. I talked with Shawn for a while, just sort of getting all my thoughts out into the air. That’s how I solve a lot of problems actually – I speak them out loud, sort through the pieces, and put together a solution.
Anyways, as I was talking and my mind was racing a thousand different thoughts a minutes, I realized how out of balance I’d become. If my friend had to ask me that question, I’ve clearly been yelling a lot about that subject; my feelings about the church and the Bible and so forth. I’ve clearly been yelling about a lot of things. I told Shawn that I don’t want my life to be remembered for everything I’m against, I don’t want to be remembered for what I’ve yelled about. I want to leave a legacy, for lack of a better word, of love, of kindness, of patience, of listening, of being respectful and honoring other people simply because they are people, regardless of any difference of opinion or belief or faith.
So now I have something to say. Not something to yell. I am a very passionate person and I care very deeply about what I believe to be right and true and good. I believe that all people, regardless of gender, of race, of ethnicity, of sexual orientation, of political standing, of status, are very much equal in every way, as humans, and should be respected and loved as such. I believe that God is BIG (big enough to be He or She or anything else, but that’s another thought for another time) and loves us all so much, in a way we can’t begin to imagine. I believe that when God looks at us, humankind, that what is seen is only Love. I believe that we aren’t seen by our flaws or “sins” or what anyone else might consider to be wrong. We are only seen through Love.
I love God very, very much. Because I love God so much, I want to see humankind through Love. There is, of course, a difference in seeing all people through Love, and not standing against blatant evil. Love fights against evil and it stands up for the rights of the defenseless, the oppressed and the marginalized. I’m headed towards a tangent so I’ll get to my main point now. Forgive me for taking the long way to get here.
I have been in a process of “spiritual deconstruction” for about four years now. What that means is that I took a step back from everything I was taught or learned or came up with growing up regarding God and Love and Jesus and the church and the Bible, and I pulled it apart. I broke it down, I threw it out, I started from scratch. I did this because I began to notice a lot of actions, words, and beliefs from this particular people group that I could no longer reconcile with Love. I began to notice hypocrisy (I mean, I’m not immune to it, don’t get me wrong). I began to notice bigotry, sexism, even hate at times. I removed myself from anything and everything related to western Christianity and the western church and even Scripture. The Bible has been translated so many times into so many different languages that I have trouble believing it to be “infallible” (something I was taught at a very young age).
However, it isn’t fair or even correct for me to throw all Scripture away and deem it irrelevant, which I have said before. The Bible, while not perfect, still carries a lot of wisdom, perspective, and even comfort when needed. It is not irrelevant. Not everyone involved in a church somehow is a hypocrite, or a bigot, or a misogynist. I don’t hate all pastors (I don’t hate anyone…well, I work hard not to ::coughDonaldTrumpcough::) and I don’t think all the good has gone out of the hearts of Christians. It was unfair for me to lump every person into a pile like that, and for that I apologize and I ask that you forgive me.
I’m still sorting through many of my broken pieces. While I may still disagree with a lot of things involved in “Christian Culture”, I’m going to work hard at looking through the eyes of Love and speaking kindly about the good and healthy, rather than yelling about the rotten. Another thing my friend said to me was that she’d been battered by the church a lot, so she understood where I was coming from. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that either, because despite the battering, she is a pastor! She keeps moving forward in Love. I want to live like that. Despite the hurt and confusion and anger, despite the battering, I want to move forward in Love.
I like to consider myself an open minded person, mostly because I’m a liberal. But I read a quote a few weeks ago that punched me right in the gut. It said that an open minded person isn’t just someone with a liberal perspective, but someone who is always willing to listen and understand and learn.
So, I’m done yelling. I lost my voice because of it. The Bible mentions that the Holy Spirit whispers to us gently. Well, I do believe in the Spirit, and now I want to follow suit and whisper gently. Divine Love is loud and big on it’s own; I don’t need to raise my voice for it. I just need to live it.

Simple Christmas Decor

When we moved from Oregon to Utah, we PURGED. We went from living in a 1,740 sq. foot, two story, three bedroom, two and half bath house with a two car garage, to a 900 sq. foot two bed, two bath apartment. We got rid of as many things as possible, and are still finding things to donate or give away even now. Needless to say, a lot of my Christmas decor went the way of garage sales and Goodwill. I still decorate, but it’s much more scaled back these days than ever before. My style preference is simple and a bit rustic, but warm and colorful. I prefer lots of earth tones and reds in my decor, and while not all of it reflects that, well, I’m working with what I’ve got. We also invested in our first artificial tree this year. Shawn and I both most definitely prefer a real tree, but with a cat, a toddler, and three flights of stairs – we thought it wise to go with an artificial tree. We picked up a humble little tree from Target the day before Thanksgiving and only paid $14 for it! While I’m sad not to have my beautiful house and front porch to decorate anymore, I love the quiet touches and simplicity of our apartment decor. 

Our Cozy Thanksgiving

I still cannot believe that Thanksgiving has come and gone already! The years just keep going by faster and faster, don’t they? Anyways, this year it was just the three of us for the holiday and we had such a sweet, cozy time together, and I just wanted to share some of our fun and happy times. We spent the day before Thanksgiving out running around, buying a few groceries, having lunch, getting Christmas gifts (and ideas), and I finally got my white picture frames for my prints hanging in the dining room. Oh! Shawn and I also bought some cream sherry to try. We were channeling Frasier I suppose.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving as well!

We had so much fun picking up groceries at Whole Foods, having lunch, and then letting Nora play in the adorable kid's area. She had an absolute blast!

We had so much fun picking up groceries at Whole Foods, having lunch, and then letting Nora play in the adorable kid’s area. She had an absolute blast!

“We never mull without sherry.”

They are BFF.

They are BFF.

While Nora was down for her nap, Shawn and I thought it would be fun to decorate for Christmas so that she could see it all when she woke up. We also decided to split a bottle of Prosecco while we decorated. SO MUCH FUN!

While Nora was down for her nap, Shawn and I thought it would be fun to decorate for Christmas so that she could see it all when she woke up. We also decided to split a bottle of Prosecco while we decorated. SO MUCH FUN!

And our legacy of ridiculous family photos continues.

And our legacy of ridiculous family photos continues.